Jamie, Jamie Full Of Grace
Recent Awkward Moment #1:
I notice one of my co-workers wearing a t-shirt that says You Know How I Know You’re Gay?, so of course, I walk up to him and brightly announce, “Because I munch carpet every day!”
Naturally, he completely forgets what his shirt says, and gets that “I’m trying to be polite to the crazy lady but what the FUCK is going on?” look in his eyes, so I start going, “Your shirt! Did you forget you’re wearing that shirt? YOUR SHIRT!”
He goes, “Oh! That was funny! Well, it would have been funnier if I’d remembered I was wearing this shirt. Really, it was just weird.”
Recent Awkward Moment #2:
We are overhauling and tweaking all kinds of things at work, and one of the experiments has me anchoring newscasts from a different studio than the one I’ve been using for several months. It’s not just different – it’s newly-built and I am breaking it in. I think I’m all ready for my first cast, settled in, tested the audio bites, mic on, good to go. My newscasts start with a time-check, and it’s not until I dive in, live on the air, that I realize what is missing – A CLOCK.
Of course, I immediately forget what time it is and instead of smoothly skimming over the time-check, I just start saying numbers, hoping one is right. “7:30! 7! 7! 6!”
I’m considering leaving broadcasting for a new career as a quarterback.
Recent Awkward Moment #3:
Aron and I go to see World Trade Center last night – by the way, don’t bother. Get it on DVD if you must see it, but it’s just like any other garden-variety disaster movie.
Anyway, we go nuts with the movie snacks and he orders a basket of curly fries that sit between us. Until about halfway through the movie, when the basket starts to bug him so he leans over and whispers, “Are you done with these?” I am, so he goes to do… something with them, but what he actually does is knock them over, where they hit my leg then disappear between the seats like a coin through a slot.
It was funny, but not hilarious. However, I get that horrible, uncontrollable, must-laugh feeling – that hasn’t happened to me in years. During a very emotional and moving moment of the film, I am shaking with suppressed laughter that I can’t seem to stop. I think I am going to have to leave, and obsessively sip my slushee, trying desperately to get it under control.
I manage to rein myself in, but the giggles are right on the verge, through the rest of a movie, and I have to make a conscious effort not to think about The Amazing Disappearing Curly Fries, because every time I do it sets me off again.
Then, at the end, they do that thing where they portray “the aftermath” with statistics on-screen, white type on a black background. They inform us only 20 people were pulled alive from the rubble, and the movie’s heroes are numbers 18 and 19, and a guy a few rows back blurts, “DAMN!” and that sets me off again.
This time, I really DO have to leave, because the next thing they are doing is scrolling the names of all the people killed, and I am barely able to keep my hysterical laughter under control.
Shit, I just realized I’m not just socially awkward. I’m going to hell.