I’m feeling a little self-conscious today, because I ran out of all my normal lotion, and am forced to fall back on my bottle of Jergens “Soft Shimmer Skin Radiance Moisturizer.”

Soft shimmer, my ass. This stuff is all that glitters is gold. Leprechauns keep trying to kidnap me.

Dear Jergens Packaging Copywriters,

Here’s a little clue. If [...]

If you wake up in the morning, and your boogers are black, does that mean you had a really fun time the day before, or a really horrible time the day before?

In my case, it means fun.

Originally, I was so, so mad when I found out I’d agreed to go to the Florida Renaissance Festival. [...]