There are some nights when you hole the fuck up in your shell. But there are some nights when you befriend a proud macaw owner and get on the back of a man’s motorcycle and you say “Where’s my helmet?” and he says “I don’t even wear a helmet” and the next thing you know [...]

For the second night in a row, I’m having steamed asparagus, and potato chips with ranch dip, for dinner.

I fucking love being a grownup.

When I became a grownup, I told myself I could now do two things, with abandon, that no one would ever let me do before. And those two things are :

1. Scratch [...]

I’m feeling a little self-conscious today, because I ran out of all my normal lotion, and am forced to fall back on my bottle of Jergens “Soft Shimmer Skin Radiance Moisturizer.”

Soft shimmer, my ass. This stuff is all that glitters is gold. Leprechauns keep trying to kidnap me.

Dear Jergens Packaging Copywriters,

Here’s a little clue. If [...]

If you wake up in the morning, and your boogers are black, does that mean you had a really fun time the day before, or a really horrible time the day before?

In my case, it means fun.

Originally, I was so, so mad when I found out I’d agreed to go to the Florida Renaissance Festival. [...]

I had this feeling, on Wednesday, Scud was going to surprise me at my place, when I came home from work, with dinner. I’d been having a weird week, and he gave me some clues.

So I called him on my way home from work Wednesday night, to see if I would tell where he [...]