Not A Creature Was Stirring…
This is probably the quietest it’s been at my dad’s house since I got here.
Mollie picked me up at the airport. We went straight to the Elk’s. Man, those people drop some bank on each other for gifts. Then home, shower, food, church, BEEEEED. Oh, I forgot to tell you – on Christmas Eve Eve, I got about 2 hours of sleep. I was knocked out so hard on my first flight, from Miami to Detroit, that not once but TWICE, I woke myself up laughing on the plane. My dreams were so vivid, and really funny (I still remember!), and if I was laughing, I probably was talking, too… I’ll bet the couple next to me thought I was a raving lunatic. They were carrying a cat in a box, though, so they can kiss my ass. But I kind of like the idea of being someone else’s big holiday story, “You would not believe the crazy bitch sitting next to us on the plane…”
In a moment of misguidedness, I made a commitment to shop this morning at 9 a.m. It’s 7:30 a.m., and I’m thinking about the bacon I found downstairs, so I might as well just stay up, and head down and start frying it in the pan in a few minutes.
That means when I woke up a few minutes ago, instead of dropping back to sleep, I lay there and thought about some stuff for a while. I was given a necklace yesterday, engraved with a quote from Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” (Don’t worry, I asked for it. It’s not some passive aggressive hint from a relative, or anything.) In my Winter Counts, I’ve outlined how 2005 set the framework for some major life changes I think I’m finally ready to make, and hell, I only got to June – I didn’t even tell you guys what a drive across the U.S. and a major hurricane followed by 16 days of no electricity will do to a person’s philosophical side.
And there are some big, big changes coming, things that have been in the works for a few months, opportunities I’m excited about and ready to grab and squeeze and suck the good stuff right the hell out.
But there are some small things I have to change, too.
Right now, Internet, is my solemn commitment to a couple of things.
1. I will stop smoking.
2. I’ll be more honest about my feelings.
As scary as those are, I think they both are linked to a lot of crap, including each other. Half the time, I smoke not because I want to, but for social reasons – either I want to hang out with smokers, or start a conversation with them, or I’m feeling self-conscious and want something to do with my hands, or I want some time to myself, or some other bullshit reason that really isn’t worth my health in exchange. I know my reason isn’t addiction, because I can and do Not Smoke for a week at a time, all the time. There are so many bad things partnered with cigarettes – they make me drink more, and they make me run less. I need to run again – I really, really do. I miss it for my body, and for my brain.
And I’m so damn afraid that if people know how I really feel, they’ll judge me or hate me or mock me or leave me.
So my early New Years’ Resolutions are to be kinder to myself, more honest with myself, and more trusting that the people who love me can handle that honesty without bailing.
So no more hiding behind a nasty habit, or self-constructed walls.
And the addendum to those is that I will NOT let those things make me any less fun, like those jackholes who quit smoking, and it’s not only all they can talk about, but they look at you with the judgey eyes every time you spark up. Fuck those people.
Besides, if I was any less fun, I wouldn’t have gotten a voice mail like the one I got yesterday. Instead of coming East to their families, two of my best buddies, and their boyfriend and fiance, got together in Palm Springs. The voice mail started with Shannon proclaiming her love to me (she’s big with the drunk, “I love you, man”s), and then Maggie narrating what they’re doing, with everyone else yelling, “Woo! Jamie! We love you! Woo! Yay, Jamie!” in the background. It ended with, “We wish you were here – you missed a really good time with an orangutan, an Elvis impersonator, and a blow-up palm tree! We’ll tell you later!”
See? Insufferable jackholes don’t have friends like that.
P.S. Aron has more photos up from the Christmas Eve Eve party, including one of me where I’m looking so fly, I’m pretty sure no one but Aron is allowed to take photos of me, ever, from now on. Also, me blogging! And airguitar (not me)!