I didn’t think July would ever come to an end this year. Literally. By the end of that godforsaken month, I was so ready to pack it in, I was saying, “Fuck you, July!” to everyone who would listen, and Harmony made me a graphic partially to commemorate my hell, but mostly, I think to try to make me smile long enough to keep me from losing my fucking mind:

I seriously considered a tattoo, kind of like the “I Survived Katrina” variety, only instead of a Category Five hurricane, I survived one of the longest damn months of my life. It became an obsession, an easy way for me to package all the crappiness that was happening into one convenient month, and when I realized that, it became a mantra: “If I can just make it through July, I’ll be okay.”

July is already tough for me every year. I know it’s tedious reading this, when everything bad or emotional is linked back to the death of my mom, but guess what? She’s dead. It sucked when she died, it sucks now when I wish I could call her at least 3 or 4 times every single day, and it DOUBLE sucks at the holidays, just because she loved them so, so much.

Defensiveness over.

She died July 14th. Her birthday was July 15th. On their own, those anniversaries are usually really tough to get through, every year, for people who have lost a close family member. For us, they are a double whammy, and they split July right in half.

There was a lot of other bad stuff going on in July this year, too.

It was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Beaker, and the first of two times we broke up. I don’t remember much about that night except that I went to the Keys with the intention of yelling at him because I was so angry, then at the last minute, changed my mind and went for a gentle talk, but we broke it off anyway. I sobbed all the way to my friend Dave’s house, where I barely said Hello to him before spending about an hour pacing and crying and talking on the phone.

Officially, no longer able to deny it, I had fallen from grace among some people who had previously respected me. It was no longer just a bad day, or just a bad week – I had a problem, and had to start figuring out either how to fix it, or when to cut my losses and move on.

The feud with my neighbor was getting bad. It was getting to the point where I dreaded coming home, and my stomach sank if his car was there.

Aron, my best friend at work, switched shifts. Not only did we not get to hang out at work every day, but his early start time knocked out the evenings, too. We’d spent so much time together I hadn’t bothered to make many other friends, and I hope he takes this not in the corny way I’m making it sound, but for the compliment it is – I missed him, a lot.

And June was the beginning of this year’s hurricane season, but July was when things really began to kick it up – when we knew this year was going to be different, and it was going to be bad.

All these things are the extension of stuff going down in the beginning of the year. But in July, they came to a head, and very nearly kicked my ass.

Ready for some silver linings? Me, too.

These were the first steps in me figuring out some things about myself, and my life, which are going to change everything – I hope, for the better.

I was developing my relationship with a new friend who is now one of the most important people in my life.

My dad and I are close – I always knew this. But I was on the phone with him every single day, updating him on the tiny nuances of how July was screwing me over, and the man always listened to me, always cared, and always had the time and patience to carefully consider my circumstances, and offer damn fine feedback.

I also knew my other friends – online and offline – were a good bunch. But they supported me so intensely and unwaveringly, through the entire month – to this day, I have no idea where they keep those reserves of positivity. Co-Host Kim gave me a WATCH, for god’s sake, because I told her what was going on with me, and just kept stacking on layers and layers, and she said, “I can’t stand it anymore! It sucks for you too badly!” then bought me a freaking watch, because she didn’t know what else to do.

And I wasn’t really even talking about my mom, during July. It wasn’t a topic for discussion, in my mind, but an underlying river of suck that didn’t change much, but always brought me down. Then Kelly, out of nowhere, sent me a message acknowledging that she remembered, and reminding me of another horrible July, a few years ago. We got through that one, and she assured me we’d survive this one, too.

And what do you know? She was right.

This is a Tidings entry for Winter Count July. (And May and June, too – not much stands out from those two months. Probably just my crippling naivety – you know, that wide-eyed innocent look baby deer have right before the Mac truck turns them into forest pulp.)

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