My friend Matt is coming to visit me tonight.

Last time, we went on a bender in the Keys and after all the bars closed, he started calling hotels trying to find one with a mini-bar. No success on that front, but I had to pee and remembered I still had a key card for the radio station there. When we pulled into the parking lot with the intention of using the restroom we saw a light on and someone in a studio, despite the fact that it was 3 a.m.

So I peed by the side of the road instead, and as we pulled away we got pulled over, and somehow Matt managed NOT to get hauled into jail on about forty different charges, some of them felonies, and instead the cop let us go. I still do not know how this happened. My best guess is magic, and my second best guess is Jedi mind tricks.

Deciding not to press our luck any further, we retired to Beaker’s house where we sat by the canal and created the only possible drink out of what Beaker had on hand: rum and orange juice. Except Matt was our bartender for the evening, and when he poured the rum directly into the carton of OJ, he forgot to put the cap back on the carton, and shook it up, spraying the vile concotion into my hair, on my neck, and IN MY EYE.

Oh, she burns.

Another time, we were wrapping up the radio station’s Best Of awards ceremony. They made me be Vanna White so I was wearing a blue sequined evening gown, but my shoes were killing me so I’d changed into black Pumas. Anyway, we’d all been drinking for a few hours and it started to rain, and all of a sudden Matt turned to Beaker and asked him to push him into the bush. Beaker was like, “That bush right there?” and Matt was like, “Yeah” so Beaker did, and Matt just sat there, ass down and knees up, in a bush, laughing his face off in the rain.

Can’t wait to see what happens tonight.

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