At 10 this morning, Matt and his friend Chuck stormed into our apartment and ran for razors and sinks. It was time to shave.

Matt and Chuck are members of the development team for the new Tiger Woods. Yeah, that’s why we moved to Orlando. Matt got his dream job, making video games. So, if you are like me and never really knew what goes into making video games, I will tell you. After the initial whatever (technical term), they enter a period called “alpha.” During alpha, testers (college kids) play the game and find bugs. They report the bugs to Matt and Chuck’s team, who are tasked with killing said bugs.

Alpha is intensive and time-consuming. For the past few months, Matt hasn’t been home before 10 p.m., and they worked past midnight more than once. Work has provided most of his meals, so it’s been very much like I’m living alone again.

So in the beginning of alpha, my genius fiance got the brilliant idea that he would grow an “Alpha Beard,” modeled after the playoff beard. He also decided the team member who killed the most bugs would choose a shape into which Matt would shave his beard, to be worn to work for one day. And thus, “Chase for the Clippers” was born.

That is why today, Matt is running around town rocking a Colonel Sanders. Tomorrow, he gets to be smoothfaced for the first time in more than two months, just in time for his birthday.

Oh, why did Chuck come over this morning for hair removal? He grew a solidarity beard, of course. No unusual shapes, though. Chuck won the bug killing contest.

Vintage Jamie:

Sometimes I still tell the story of the time E tried to get me to cozy up to an alligator for a photo op. That was also the first “real” fish I caught in the Keys, many more to follow. They were good friends with whom I’ve lost touch. I really hope they are well.

I still remember the rumor that sparked this rant, but chalk that up to another thing I had no business publishing online, sheesh. It was still a shitty thing to say about me, though.

A black eye and my first (of many, many) Orphan Thanksgiving. I can’t remember whether or not I actually did spray jock itch medication on my feet, though.

It makes me happy, to know we live in a world where someone built an entire page dedicated to rainbow sightings.

Today I am working on some tedious tasks. Wedding stuff, mostly. Who knew there were so many administrative tasks involved in wedding planning?

To reward myself for all that, today will also involve: strawberry champagne jam on toast, yoga, not wearing shoes and planning a trip to Mexico.

Vintage Jamie:

Mash site now defunct. Too bad, I’d have liked to take it for another spin.

Oh, God. I can’t believe I put that on the internet. I don’t have any updatey comments because it embarrassed me to read it too much.

An anticipatory entry. Even though it doesn’t say much, it brought back that exact feeling, and I still don’t know why I felt that way.

I’ve been working on a LOT of long-term projects. This week is all about checking things off of the list, and visiting my poor neglected blog is one of them.

Where can I get one of these suits? I want to whip one of those suckers out for all nighttime occasions.

My bestie Aron was in town for a visit last week. We met when we both worked in a Miami radio newsroom. He spent a few days down there so we spent a lot of time talking about what’s going on there and catching up on all the gossip. There are a lot of things I miss about working in radio. If I ever get too sad, I just have to remind myself that I never again have to listen to Rush Limbaugh’s stupid voice and instantly I feel better.

In other news, a visual representation of the wage gap. It is sick and fascinating, all at once.

A few weeks ago on Facebook I made a crack about the font Papyrus, likening its crappiness to that of the much-maligned Comic Sans. One of my friends misunderstood me and thought I was cool with the Papyrus and then there was this confusing exchange that kind of left me feeling like maybe it wasn’t just that I didn’t like a font – maybe I’m a picky jerk. This poster makes me feel a little validated.

Vintage Jamie:

Oh, the painting entry. I got a shitload of emails about that one. (I almost said “comments and emails” but that is a lie because I was writing online in the days before comments existed. I am Blogging Ancient.)

Yesterday afternoon was beautiful. Sunny, mid-70s, breezy. Just sublime. I was exiting the grocery store with Matt, waxing on about how wonderful the weather was and how lucky we are to live here, it’s freaking January for pete’s sake, when I ran head on into one of those half-size concrete poles they stick in the ground at store entrances presumably to keep people from driving through the glass front doors, smashing innocent patrons in the entryway as they gather their carts and contemplate the weekly BOGO specials bins.

Matt missed it entirely, but instinctively turned around when he heard the (all too familiar) distinctive “whoosh” of his clumsy fiance knocking the wind out of herself, as the top of the pole dented my abdomen. He claims the man walking out of the store behind me saw it happen, but since I did not hear any hysterical laughter behind me, I remain skeptical.

Here are the Top 3 coolest things I saw when traveling for the holidays:

1. Two volumes of Harry Potter in Russian, sitting on Matt’s dad’s bookshelf – I recognized the fonts instantly
2. On descent in Orlando, fireworks from the plane window
3. The Mahoney Sorceress

Don’t you think the new Pepsi logo is a blatant attempt to evoke Obama’s logo? I think it’s crashingly obvious but Matt doesn’t believe me. Who is right?

Vintage Jamie:
Throwaway entry on my Dad’s visit, and I guess I kept that Al Gore letter writing thing going for a bit. I have no recollection of the link that “cracked me up,” way back in the day, referenced at the end of that entry. Unfortunately, it’s a dead link now.

My father wins me over with cash and prizes. Some things never change… heh, look at #20. That stupid ornament still gets hung every year, and I have to tell someone the story every year – well, it’s not much of a story. Just that in that time and place, that damn lobster was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, but it still makes me laugh. Maybe I’ll take a photo and post it so you can roll your eyes and reflect on how lame our senses of humor are.

Unlucky things that happen to me:

1. This first one is for Matt and I both. If we go see a concert or a show or any sort of spectator sport, and we’re in a room/auditorium/audience with a big group of people, the biggest, loudest assholes in the entire room will be seated directly in front of us.

2. My back is super-inviting, and here is how I know that. If I am standing in line, the person in line behind me will stand exactly one millimeter away from me, if I’m lucky, but they are usually close enough to actually be touching me. Why? WHY?! I’m thinking about this because when we were in airport security lines a few minutes ago, the woman behind me was pressing her tits into my back. When I had the chance to take a step forward, I put my hand on my hip and cocked my elbow backwards to try to give myself some space, and I think she got the hint somewhat because she backed off a bit, but she still knocked my elbow with her tits a dozen more times before we were able to get through screening, and then as we were waiting for our stuff to come out the other end, I happened to glance to my right/behind me and her big stupid head was so close to my face she actually startled me.

People in lines, hear my plea. This is not necessary. It won’t get you through the line any faster. BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Of course, we’re flying from Orlando to VA/PA/OH, where they are apparently suffering through “dangerously low” temperatures, and when I’m freezing my ass off, I’ll probably be wishing that lady was with me, to cover me in the blanket of her bosom.

Vintage Jamie:

Preparing for my Dad’s first visit to Florida. Well, he’d been to Florida in his life, but that was the first time he visited ME in Florida. I actually don’t remember much about that, so I’m kind of excited to get to the next vintage entry. Also, at the same time, my Mom was in a home for a while recovering from a shattered leg. That was 8 years ago. Feels like a million years ago.

I’m having the kind of day where I’m tempted to put “brush teeth” on my To Do List, just so I can have the satisfaction of checking something off.

Two weekends ago, I headed back down to Florida to play with my rugby team in the Florida Cup. We lost (boo!), but came in third (yay!), out of four teams (boo!). More importantly, I got to visit with tons of people I love and miss and that part was good.

Then I got into a fight with one of the original Dreamgirls. I’m not even getting INTO that.

Last weekend, my sister and I took a long-awaited trip to Las Vegas. We partied and gambled and saw shows and walked around till our feet wore off and all we were left with were bloody stumps. I’d only been to Vegas once before, and while I had a decent time, my memories were grey – I didn’t really feel the need ever to go again.

Let’s just say this trip made me love Vegas again. Mollie and I are already planning our next trip.

This weekend starts really soon. I just got back from the grocery store with the supplies we need for Thanksgiving. This is the first year of my life that I’m not either joining family, or joining with other Floridians away from their families for a Sunshine State Orphans Thanksgiving Dinner. It’s just Matt and me, cooking and eating our favorite foods and enjoying the first holiday we’ll spend in our new home, and I can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to it. He should be home any minute and I’m anxiously awaiting…. simply because I can’t wait for it to get started.

Friday, a close friend who lives overseas but is visiting FL is driving up to spend the weekend with us, and I’m very excited about that as well.

I’m feeling grateful today.

Vintage Jamie:

Harry Bush has since passed away. That’s kind of a downer, but he was a great guy, a wonderful friend, and he lived a terrific life.

Oh, this is cheerier. My best friend commented on the Vintage Jamie from my last entry, because it brought back so many funny memories. Reading through this one should do the trick for Maggie again – I know it did for me. And, I have a follow-up!

Little did I know that years later, while anchoring and reporting for a radio station in Miami, I would get the chance to interview Mr. Gore. I blew off an alumni event I was really looking forward to in order to see An Inconvenient Truth, and thought long and hard about how the next morning’s interview would go.

Despite all of that, when Gore said, “Hello, Jamie!” I blurted, “So… do you like, totally hate Florida, or what?”

There was this horrible pause during which I thought he didn’t get it, and that I’d blown the whole thing, and then finally, he laughed and replied, “No, I love Florida!”

And then we got on with the interview. Me and my imaginary pen pal. Al Gore.